A Speech Never to Be Uttered

(This material was initially published on August 21, before the President's Independence Day address — Ed. )

Dear compatriots:

We have been living together for eight years now. As you all remember, I was at first a premier vested with extraordinary powers, and after a short stint, you elected me your president. Now, as elections approach, it is time we drew a line and give an account of the work done.

First and foremost, I think my principal achievement is the stable assessments of our situation. Now, on the Day of Independence, I can repeat without qualms the words I said in 1992: «Today, Ukraine is in fact a bankrupt state. And let us admit this is the main threat to our independence.» However, compared to 1992, we have managed to bring the situation, so to speak, to a literally bankrupt condition. For at that time our creditors did not yet brandish the threat of default.

Our economy and people have proven to have large inner resources. It is said that the real GDP has gone down by 24% since 1994. Average wages will not buy any goods essential for survival, but, nevertheless, we have not yet died out. To speak frankly, nobody can explain why: this is a great puzzle for all of us.

I will not say anything else about the economy. So much is said about it anyway. I will only say I cannot understand at all my leftist opponents when they call me the champion of liberal reforms and almost the builder of capitalism. Where did you see this kind of capitalism? The Left likes speaking about «primitive capital accumulation,» but is there among us someone accumulating anything? They simply redistribute (or, to use popular slang, «filch») what is left. Capitalism is, first of all, commerce, but look at this figure: transportation of goods has dropped by 73.1% against 1994. This means nobody trades and, hence, nobody produces. What more can I say if money relations, the basis of a market, have been reduced in this country to the minimum, while inter-enterprise debts have jumped 20- fold?! Where else did you see the kind of taxes or customs duties we have? Here, the price of an item we do not produce (e.g., a computer) may grow almost twofold after it crosses the border, as a result of all the surcharges! And private property? Where else did you see a «joint- stock» company with a 51% stake belonging to the state? This amounts to a state-run enterprise with a certain share of private capital! Did you ever see in this country the market of securities or newspaper updates on stock rates? And the small-scale owner? Is he really an owner if the state can come to him any moment and rob him of everything it wants to or even close down his business without any court action? In the long run, is land — the main commodity — subject to sale? They say: «Factories stand idle.» But who has heard of even one bankruptcy? My tongue refuses to speak about free price formation with due account of various mandatory «rates of return.» And, lastly, the main thing. Under capitalism, the one whom the consumer likes gets the upper hand, while here it is the one whom the authorities like. See the difference? And they still say: «implementation of a market model» or even monetarism. Ludicrous!

What is more, in the years of my administration the very word «reforms» has become almost an obscenity, and such notions as «market,» «businessman,» «private property,» and «privatization,» have been totally discredited. So now the true market-oriented people will have to take pains and invent new words or do something else.

Now on democracy. Again, I cannot understand why the communists call us «democrats.» Any political scientist will tell you that, in the conditions we inherited from the USSR, when a civil society in fact does not exist, the state plays the decisive role. This role lies in promoting a situation where people could provide for themselves and their families, while the state would protect and settle disputes among them. Instead, in the years of my rule the bureaucratic apparatus has grown several times over. We have set up so many supervising and inspecting bodies and vested them with such wide-ranging powers that soon there will be nobody left to be supervised and inspected. Today, man depends on the state even to a greater extent than he did in the Soviet Union. We have fully put into practice the words ascribed to the Joseph FouchО, who created the first modern secret police for Napoleon: «Laws should be such that nobody could know for sure whether or not he is guilty.»

Today, we are in a position to deprive anyone of the means of subsistence and, if need be, of his freedom. I could never fathom the significance of non-governmental organizations and especially political parties. A nominee of the New Ukraine movement, I never attended even one meeting of this organization and always stuck to this position. I actively tried to prevent the parties from being strengthened and taking part in elections. As a result, a «mixed electoral law» was passed, but this is not a «victory of democracy:» it is not clear whether or not the parties exist. At least those who reject parties (e.g., the communists) can say that they exist, although the parties can in no way affect the situation.

And the opposition? There is no longer a rightist opposition. But this is not the main thing. The main thing is we have created a nice system, far more effective than in the USSR. Why should we send opposition figures to prison? This would immediately raise a clamor in the West about human rights abuse. Here, dissidents join legal parties. They should not be incarcerated. It is the financiers of those parties who should be put inside (I said earlier that any business person is always guilty before our state). I will even add that it suffices to put the heat on, and their opposition fervor will cool down. As a result, parties seem to exist and not exist, for what can they do without money? And no indignation in the West: we have no political prisoners, on the contrary, we have a host of opposition parties. Incidentally, you know that I always favored a situation when everything is as indefinite as possible and no one can say what is available and what is not or who is responsible for what (I will even say this is the principal, fundamental, feature of my policies). Suffice it to recall that I promised before the elections to head the executive power and then «forgot» it. This resulted in a virtual restoration of the Soviet system of government: the President, like the Party central committee, commands everybody and the Cabinet takes all the flak.

I think we need not elaborate on the mass media. This is my most apparent achievement. Here, objectionable figures can be dealt with in the same way as entrepreneurs. We even monitor access to the Internet at the expense of those who sell such access.

Dear compatriots! Friends! If asked what else Ukraine can be called, I would say: «an as-if country.» Look at the aforesaid arguments and facts and you will see that a true socialism flourishes in Ukraine, but all pretend (not without my efforts!) as if it does not exist and as if we have something else. Of course, my dear ones, you do not like this «something else,» and many of you are going to vote Communist. And rightly so! As long as you think so, we are invincible.