CRACKER-BARREL PUNDITRY

In the morning I washed, brushed my teeth, got dressed, woke up, and went to work. In Russia, not everyone has a job: some do, others don't. Our Constitution guarantees everyone a job, yet jobs are given not by the Constitution, but by employers, and the employers do not give jobs to anybody, because in this country some work and others don't. Those that don't work don't get money, so they are poor. And those who work, usually don't get money either, for it is delayed, and they go on strike and also stop working. They pay me for my work, so I go to work and even brush my teeth.

At work, I first write news, then I stop writing news and begin to write a column. As I got to work, they asked me immediately if I knew the news. I said no.

Then they said to me that today we are doing in a union with Belarus and Yugoslavia. Belarus is a country that has very little food, and we have already joined with it, but not quite properly. And Yugoslavia is a country which is very heavily bombed, for when there is peace, some of its peaceful people are always killing other peaceful people.

So I asked why we should join in a union with people who are being bombed. They said they have no idea, and I had better sit down and write a news story on the union instead of showing off. As soon as I write this report, everyone will immediately understand what we need the union for.

In short, I sat down and began to write story. It turned out to be very large. First, an old guy named Selezniov also got to work and told everybody that a Yugoslav had asked him to pass word to Yeltsin that he is being bombed, and he doesn't want to be bombed; instead, he wants to join the union with Russia and Belarus. Then Selezniov called the President, and the President was very glad and immediately called Belarus, and Belarus was happiest of all. At this point Yeltsin called Selezniov to say that yesterday, when he was saying that we won't play war games, he was just kidding, and today we are playing war games, because we are not giving Yugoslavia away to anyone. Also, Selezniov said that Yeltsin had given an order to turn around the missiles, so they would stop bombing our union. But he gave the order to the military, not Selezniov.

In general, the news was getting really huge. Then I finished it and began to write about the missiles.

It was interesting to write about the missiles but completely unintelligible. Selezniov's news that the President issued an order to turn them the missiles took the military by surprise. And when they suddenly regained their composure, they said that no president had called them, certainly not theirs. But when they are called, they will immediately swing around their missiles and fire them wherever ordered. Then everybody was surprised and began to speculate on those at whom the President was going to shoot. Asked whether they were not getting nervous because of our turning the missiles in their direction, they said they weren't, since our President hadn't called them and hadn't said anything about the missiles. Thus, before he calls the missiles don't count.

As I wrote this, I plunged into reverie. Well, I wonder: if we really are going to fire missiles, then must the military immediately call television and tell them that they will now turn everything into bloody hell? Or is it better to call the television and tell them that the President didn't call, and this was his way of fooling our enemies? I asked my coltengues, but they told me not to show off and to sit down to write a news item about Carla Del Ponti. What I wrote can be left out.

Just as I finished writing about Del Ponti, I was told that the military had called once again and gave a very resolute warning that nobody has called them so far, and, this being so, they are not going to lift a finger to swing around the missiles. I asked my colleagues, where the closest air-raid shelter was, but they told me not to show off and to write about Selezniov.

I sat down and wrote that Selezniov learned that they had failed to show him and the President on television and that now he will call the President, because it's a provocation. I asked my colleagues why doesn't he call television directly, but they yelled at me and told me to write about Yakushkin.

I began to write about Yakushkin. It's always difficult to write about Yakushkin, because when Yakushkin speaks its impossible to understand what he's saying. Yakushkin said that Selezniov had everything mixed up, and the President had said nothing of the kind. That is, he might have said something, but not to Selezniov or nothing at all. He might have said something about the missiles, but surely not what Selezniov had heard. For instance, he might have said that the missiles, in general, can be aimed somewhere, if you like. But about liking he didn't say anything to anybody. Or he did say something, but not to the military and Selezniov. And, in general, this is what he had said earlier and is saying now, but less and less.

I wrote this story and began to write about Selezniov and Yeltsin. Yeltsin said he had not told Selezniov anything Selezniov had said he did. And Selezniov said that he had, and there was even a tape, but Yeltsin had not given it to him, because he is a miser.

There they asked me to write a news item about Chornobyl, but I told them not to show off, for the workday is already over, and I have to do my column.

Now these 24 hours have passed. Soon I will go home to drink my tea and think where our missiles had been aimed at before they were re-targeted, in what country I actually live, and what will happen, should someone accidentally dial a wrong number.

Norwegian WOODSKY,
www.gazeta.ru