My 24 Hours
The confusion caused in Russia by Yugoslavia's entering the Russian-Belarus
union, turning around the missiles, with further denials and confirmations
of information, have not only frightened people, but also made them laugh.
I think that many who followed the developments sense the total absurdity
of the situation. Often, for the description and characterization of such
stories of more importance is a certain view, intonation, than the dry
facts relating to the subject. To my mind, the following is a quite precise
presentation of the sound attitude of a normal person toward what is happening.
In the morning I washed, brushed my teeth, got dressed, woke up, and
went to work. In Russia, not everyone has a job: some do, others don't.
Our Constitution guarantees everyone a job, yet jobs are given not by the
Constitution, but by employers, and the employers do not give jobs to anybody,
because in this country some work and others don't. Those that don't work
don't get money, so they are poor. And those who work, usually don't get
money either, for it is delayed, and they go on strike and also stop working.
They pay me for my work, so I go to work and even brush my teeth.
At work, I first write news, then I stop writing news and begin to write
a column. As I got to work, they asked me immediately if I knew the news.
I said no.
Then they said to me that today we are doing in a union with Belarus
and Yugoslavia. Belarus is a country that has very little food, and we
have already joined with it, but not quite properly. And Yugoslavia is
a country which is very heavily bombed, for when there is peace, some of
its peaceful people are always killing other peaceful people.
So I asked why we should join in a union with people who are being bombed.
They said they have no idea, and I had better sit down and write a news
story on the union instead of showing off. As soon as I write this report,
everyone will immediately understand what we need the union for.
In short, I sat down and began to write story. It turned out to be very
large. First, an old guy named Selezniov also got to work and told everybody
that a Yugoslav had asked him to pass word to Yeltsin that he is being
bombed, and he doesn't want to be bombed; instead, he wants to join the
union with Russia and Belarus. Then Selezniov called the President, and
the President was very glad and immediately called Belarus, and Belarus
was happiest of all. At this point Yeltsin called Selezniov to say that
yesterday, when he was saying that we won't play war games, he was just
kidding, and today we are playing war games, because we are not giving
Yugoslavia away to anyone. Also, Selezniov said that Yeltsin had given
an order to turn around the missiles, so they would stop bombing our union.
But he gave the order to the military, not Selezniov.
In general, the news was getting really huge. Then I finished it and
began to write about the missiles.
It was interesting to write about the missiles but completely unintelligible.
Selezniov's news that the President issued an order to turn them the missiles
took the military by surprise. And when they suddenly regained their composure,
they said that no president had called them, certainly not theirs. But
when they are called, they will immediately swing around their missiles
and fire them wherever ordered. Then everybody was surprised and began
to speculate on those at whom the President was going to shoot. Asked whether
they were not getting nervous because of our turning the missiles in their
direction, they said they weren't, since our President hadn't called them
and hadn't said anything about the missiles. Thus, before he calls the
missiles don't count.
As I wrote this, I plunged into reverie. Well, I wonder: if we really
are going to fire missiles, then must the military immediately call television
and tell them that they will now turn everything into bloody hell? Or is
it better to call the television and tell them that the President didn't
call, and this was his way of fooling our enemies? I asked my coltengues,
but they told me not to show off and to sit down to write a news item about
Carla Del Ponti. What I wrote can be left out.
Just as I finished writing about Del Ponti, I was told that the military
had called once again and gave a very resolute warning that nobody has
called them so far, and, this being so, they are not going to lift a finger
to swing around the missiles. I asked my colleagues, where the closest
air-raid shelter was, but they told me not to show off and to write about
Selezniov.
I sat down and wrote that Selezniov learned that they had failed to
show him and the President on television and that now he will call the
President, because it's a provocation. I asked my colleagues why doesn't
he call television directly, but they yelled at me and told me to write
about Yakushkin.
I began to write about Yakushkin. It's always difficult to write about
Yakushkin, because when Yakushkin speaks its impossible to understand what
he's saying. Yakushkin said that Selezniov had everything mixed up, and
the President had said nothing of the kind. That is, he might have said
something, but not to Selezniov or nothing at all. He might have said something
about the missiles, but surely not what Selezniov had heard. For instance,
he might have said that the missiles, in general, can be aimed somewhere,
if you like. But about liking he didn't say anything to anybody. Or he
did say something, but not to the military and Selezniov. And, in general,
this is what he had said earlier and is saying now, but less and less.
I wrote this story and began to write about Selezniov and Yeltsin. Yeltsin
said he had not told Selezniov anything Selezniov had said he did. And
Selezniov said that he had, and there was even a tape, but Yeltsin had
not given it to him, because he is a miser.
There they asked me to write a news item about Chornobyl, but I told
them not to show off, for the workday is already over, and I have to do
my column.
Now these 24 hours have passed. Soon I will go home to drink my tea
and think where our missiles had been aimed at before they were re-targeted,
in what country I actually live, and what will happen, should someone accidentally
dial a wrong number.
Norwegian WOODSKY,
www.gazeta.ru






