What is to be done?

More than 2,000 years ago, Roman Emperor Octavian Augustus used to distribute his own money to the citizens of Rome before elections to prevent the plebs from demanding a reward from candidates. That was the beginning of it all.

When on earth is Ukraine going to have politicians whom people will respect sincerely?

Here are a few comments by Kyiv residents who wished to remain anonymous. We are convinced that their views coincide with the opinions of many of our readers.

— Anomaly, Ukrainian-style: during the latest political crisis, our poorest citizens guarded the richest oligarchs for a pittance. The real price of our political elite was thus finally established.

— Today members of parliament are the “most daring” in Ukraine’s class (or clan?) battles — they wield no sabers but enjoy immunity and therefore can beat up anybody and anything they want.

— Question: “What is the difference between Maidan-2 and Maidan-1?” Answer: “Maidan-1 was alive and genuine; it was an exalted festivity, not a ‘vigil’ in which everybody, even those who disagreed, wished to ‘partake.’ Conversely, Maidan-2 was not only a sham but also a case of meticulous, hackneyed, and vapid plagiarism (the Party of Regions could have been sued for copyright infringement). This insipid parody of Maidan-1 vividly (and belatedly) illustrates the way the White-and Blues got scared.”

— Foreigners cannot understand why all kinds of Ukrainian protesters tend to spend the night in an army-style tent on uncomfortable lawns rather than at home. Foreign visitors are especially surprised to see elderly people in slippers, who have hunkered down in Kyiv’s Tsarist Park.

— A rhetorical question: are there politicians, convictions, ideas, knowledge, actions, and a life style in Ukraine, which enjoy the support of the entire society, irrespective of views and parties? Unfortunately, there don’t seem to be any. Maybe Ukrainians are intrinsically unable to respect their helmsmen, and their only prophet is a thousand-year-old legend? This in turn means that it is time to invite some foreigners: “Our land is great and rich, but it is in disorder. Come and ascend the princely throne and rule over us.” But by all that is holy, do not invite Slavs!

— Who in the world can answer this outwardly simple question? “What chief trait characterizes the ordinary Ukrainian politician?” Some say it is dishonesty; others, ignorance; cowardice; lack of adequate education and complete indifference to their people’s destiny. If this were not so, they would be working in parliament under any circumstances, instead of turning this institution into a “gladiators’ arena” or a variety show. Nor would they be paying themselves fantastic (compared to the grassroots) remuneration. For what?

— Question: “How many politicians can the ordinary Ukrainian voter name, whom s/he has trusted for the past 15 years?” What does the voter expect from them — honesty, reason, kindness, or actual concern for ordinary people? But where is this kindness? Latter-day politicians treat their own people as if they were a conquered enemy — without pity, help, or understanding of their direst needs. Maybe that’s the reason why people are so blind and envious today.

Here are some more current jokes, so to speak:

“Where, for God’s sake, has the unforgettable and progressive socialist Valkyrie, Natalia Vitrenko, ‘the spirit that spurs the body to battle,’ gone from the political stage? Maybe the body is no longer submissive?”

“I was supposed to go abroad (to Russia for instructions?) and that’s why I couldn’t take part in the Saturday talks of Yushchenko, Yanukovych, and Moroz,” Comrade Symonenko said pompously. That’s too bad. As usual, that communist nightingale would have pleased their ears.

“Let’s be fair: our prime minister is mastering the Ukrainian language so fast that eastern Ukraine and Moscow will soon suspect him of treason because many people are convinced that ‘language determines policies.’” P. S. Mr. Azarov does not need to worry about his convictions.

“In spite of there being far more serious problems, Ukrainians are still searching for answer to the following intriguing question: ‘For how much was the parliamentary speaker bought and for how much will he be finally sold?’ After all, society has the right to be informed.

“The Ukrainian public is very disillusioned: even though there have been so many events and confrontations in Ukraine lately, there is not a single influential Russian spin master in sight. Or are they lying too low in the depths of the Ukrainian government — for security reasons? Or are they working in Mr. X masks? It is possible, though, that Russian spin masters were fully engaged in a different backstage affair — the reunification of the Moscow Patriarchate and the Russian Orthodox Church Abroad. Those guys are really busy!”

Meanwhile, Ukraine is rife with rumors: if the latest reconciliation of our politicians fails to produce tangible and immediate results, we should convene an all-Ukrainian Chorna Rada (Black Council of Ukrainian Cossacks in 1663) and throw out the entire governmental and political establishment — from top to bottom! First of all, we have to clean the Verkhovna Rada (like the Augean stables) i.e., dismiss — without the right of return — all the MPs who have held seats in the Ukrainian parliament at least once and “successfully” brought this country to the very brink of a bottomless abyss.

But nobody knows who can replace the current MPs — maybe Martians?