Yellow card for Yanukovych

This [computerized] burlesque is based on Tom Shadyac’s comedy Bruce Almighty (screened in 2003), albeit without the In-Bruce-[Yanukovych]-We-Trust tagline. Universal Pictures paid one million dollars for the script in 2000, quite a sum at the time.

The well-known plot stars Jim Carrey as Bruce Nolan, a television reporter in Buffalo, New York, who is known for his antics. Nothing seems to be going right for Bruce: his job, his car, even his dog pees in the house. The only thing that is good in his life is his loving girlfriend, Grace, played by Jennifer Aniston. He really wants the anchor job at his Channel 7 news station. Instead, he gets sent to do a live story on the “Maid of the Mist” boat ride in Niagara Falls. Just before he goes to do the story, they make an announcement, which he hears in his earpiece, that says that the anchor position was given to Evan Baxtor. He gets very upset and freaks out on the boat, eventually swearing on public television. As a result, he is fired. He blames God for his downfall and calls God many different names, basically just blaspheming. God responds to him, after Bruce claims that God could fix his life in five minutes if He wanted to. God (played by Morgan Freeman), first emerges before Bruce as a janitor, later as an electrician, and finally in His Almighty Glory, and endows Bruce with all His powers to prove that His job isn’t as easy as Bruce thinks.

Bruce, having convinced himself it’s not a dream but reality, starts using these divine powers the way he sees fit, with God closely following him, unbeknownst to Bruce, but before long the man realizes that these divine powers are much more than he can take; there are too many people asking for things to be given to them from Upstairs.

This is what the Yanukovych-cum-Bruce-Almighty video spoof is all about: Yanukovych suddenly realizes he is God, after taking over powers from Viktor Yushchenko (another burlesque character). The latter is climbing a ladder leading into Heavens and sends down his last instruction: “Don’t recognize Ossetia!” Precisely what Yanukovych did. Then the newly established president, after ordering and being instantly served a dish of borsch, a bottle of samohon moonshine, and an expensive cigar, realizes he is Almighty. By using magic he destroys Yulia Tymoshenko’s public appearance meant to lash out at the current government. But then a funeral wreath falls on him, out of nowhere, telling him he’s got out of line. And then there is a computerized version of the well-known incident of a wreath hitting Yanukovych in the head, blown by a gust of wind, when paying homage to the Unknown Soldier’s Obelisk in Kyiv [when Putin’s bodyguards proved smarter and held the wreaths on their side]. In the end, “Yanukovych” wears fluffy orange earphones, being in a state of orange euphoria.

That this spoof exists isn’t the point, considering that British and foreign politicians — especially Tony Blair and George Bush — are known to have been subjected to a much harsher treatment by the BBC. The point is that this Russian burlesque has certain distinctions.

First, Moscow’s Channel One isn’t like the free privately-owned BBC — something the British government can’t do anything about (unless this corporation breaches the law). There are numerous cases of BBC screenings that ran counter to the Cabinet’s recommendations. Nothing like that in Moscow. Here even privately owned channels, like NTV, remain under strict government control, carrying out the Kremlin’s instructions and directives. One example is the coordinated attack against Alexander Lukashenko (launched by NTV in the first place). Russia’s Channel One is an official station, reflecting the views of the Kremlin leadership. Therefore, the Yanukovych spoof is a sharply politically oriented one.

Proof of this is the scene with the returning of gas debts. This video shows that (a) there are gas debts, and (b) that Ukraine’s two presidents, Viktor Yushchenko and Viktor Yanukovych, have no intention of repaying them. Birds of a feather, aren’t they? How would a Russian viewer know that there are no such debts, remembering that they were repeatedly stressed by Vladimir Putin, who also said that all payments were made on time. The thing is that Russian propaganda had spent years convincing Russian citizens that Ukraine owed Russia something while stealing something from Russia, so that now this myth keeps wandering the boundless expanses of the information space, while receiving a fresh impetus of late.

Energy supplies are the main reason behind this spoof. Russia’s ruling class was euphoric after signing the Kharkiv accords. They figured the time had come for a “real government” to take over in Ukraine, that this government would be easy to deal with. At one time Russia’s bad relationships with Ukraine had been made up for by demonstratively good ones with Belarus, but then the attack against Lukashenko was launched with official Kyiv supplying friendly rear lines’ logistics silently, in default format [to use modern computer jargon].

Love and hatred are but a short distance from each other. Before long, the Kremlin’s euphoria about “our men” having come to power in Ukraine turned into disillusionment. Then the accountants set to work, and the bilateral relations balance sheet quickly slipped into the red. Top-level meetings were held frequently, but didn’t help much. After the Kharkiv accords, Ukraine was expected to recognize South Ossetia and Abkhazia, establish Russian as [the second] official language, join all kinds of CIS alliances, and hold the door open wide for Russian capital. Then only technical trifles would be left, like uniform [history] textbooks, full support of all Ukraine’s pro-Russian foreign political initiatives, stopping cooperation with Russia’s accursed enemy Saakashvili, rejecting any oil supply projects unless coordinated with Moscow, etc.

The proverbial catch came at precisely that stage, remarkably one engineered by Moscow, to its detriment. Kremlin rulers had been explained hundreds of times that there were no pro-Russian politicians in Ukraine, except some marginal politicos who wouldn’t collect enough votes to surmount the one-percent barrier. Being in opposition and lashing out at those in power is different from being actually in power, running the country. There are Soviet nostalgic sentiments and declarations of love for Russia, but there are also specific finance and business matters to deal with. Add here the adage about every man for himself. In this sense, the president serves the interests of his country, above all else. And so they arranged with Medvedev’s chum buddy Hugo Chavez to transport oil from Odesa to Belarus, by putting the Odesa-Brody pipeline in the right mode. At the Odesa terminal, this oil (about a million tons) would be loaded on tankers and sent to our north-western neighbors. The tankers are on their way.

Chavez will have to pay for this arbitrary action. The man doesn’t seem to realize the consequences because of his ill-famed temperament, keeping his ill-advised anti-American stand, stubbornly following in his idol Fidel Castro’s footsteps. But then Moscow policy took a sharp turn toward Europe, where the colonel sporting a red tunic is held in low esteem, let alone Lukashenko with his antics. All bridges have been burned. Like Cato the Elder’s famous refrain, Ceterum autem censeo, Carthaginem esse delendam (Furthermore, I think Carthage must be destroyed), Russia’s rulers will persist in trying to replace Lukashenko. They won’t be on speaking terms with him, not before December 19, anyway.

But then came the unexpected turn in oil events in Kyiv, something never coordinated with Moscow that made the whole affair look even more unnerving to the Kremlin.

Then there is the gas sphere, which looks even worse. Odesa’s liquefied gas terminal, a project still on blueprints, is regarded by Moscow as something like an act of treason. Russia believes that, by a 100 dollar cut in the cost of each 1,000 cubic meters fuel supply to Ukraine, it has paid in full for another 25-year lease of the Sevastopol base for its Black Sea Fleet. But then the “Ukrainian friends” started demanding a revision of gas prices, with an eye to future shorter purchases, so this oil processing facility came as a card from up Ukraine’s sleeve, considering that all Moscow experts had been unanimous that Ukraine had none. Now this business is serious. First, they will buy 10 billion cubic meters of gas at a lower price, then they will realize they can double the amount. Something comparatively easy and not too expensive to carry out. Can Yucel, a distinguished Turkish poet, wrote that there is nothing but bad news you get from Europe, news that cause a headache. All Gazprom partners want the gas prices down, so an increasingly smaller amount can be received from the gas pipeline. We can only grind our teeth and concur.

In other words, Russia has lots of gas, but is having problems selling it — in the West and East. China needs a great deal of fuel supplies, but offers a price no one in Moscow will endorse. Besides, Kazakhstan, one of Moscow’s best friends — so much so President Medvedev recited several passages of his address in Kazakh — isn’t opposed to the idea of supplying oil and gas to China. In fact, these supplies are effectively underway. Which means that Russia’s affairs in the Orient leave much to be desired. The alternatives left boil down to using their own gas or reducing extraction. Neither is promising.

There are a number of other reasons causing the Kremlin’s disappointment with Ukraine’s current political leadership, with political results being the number-one problem. There is a grain of truth in every joke, however harsh the joke may turn out. What this spoof showed is more serious than meets the eye. One has to read between the lines.

It stands to reason to assume that no one in Moscow is really concerned about the way Viktor Yanukovych is taking care of the Ukrainian people. After all, they don’t give a hoot about their people in Russia. However, the scene with the president’s office littered with people’s written complaints smacks of an information attack, something like the Belarusian scenario. They also shed crocodile tears over the poor lot of a brotherly people. At the start of the spoof, “Viktor Yushchenko” suggests that “Viktor Yanukovych” act in his stead. Then, parting company, he wishes him to win the campaign — as though no one in Moscow knew the outcome. A transparent hint aimed at the next rather than previous presidential campaign. Moscow may well side with the incumbent president’s opponent during the next campaign. This possibility promises Yanukovych lots of problems. In the spoof, he acts like a hillbilly — well, Ukraine’s political leadership had it coming, following the rash Kharkiv accords, and so on. Even then everyone realized there was no way to pacify Moscow, where they understand only firm statements, no emotions attached. Therefore, after making a rash decision, you have to consider what steps you can reasonably take to help the consequences.

I can see three options. First, Kyiv shrugs off this spoof (verging, as it is, on a deliberate act of contempt directed against a friendly country and its head of state) as another media stunt.

Second, we pick up the gauntlet and response in kind. How exactly we can respond is a different story (there are ample opportunities, manpower, and equipment).

Third, Ukraine raises the issue to the diplomatic level, with maximum media reverberations, including a note of protest, recalling the ambassador, and so one. Diplomats have enough weapons in their arsenal to make Russia painfully aware of what Ukraine considers to be admissible and inadmissible in intergovernmental relations.

Unlike a BBC puppet show, the first option is absolutely unacceptable, considering that each such show ridicules politicians and their errors, whereas in this case there is every evidence of a deliberate, well-planned political action aimed at showing the Kremlin’s highest degree of dissatisfaction with official Kyiv’s endeavors. In fact, this spoof is meant to offend the Ukrainian state and its leadership — particularly in the scene with “Yushchenko” and “Yanukovych” failing to remember the name of their country. This is an insult to the Ukrainian people who elected them to the post — and this insult is in the background of the whole video clip. You can be in the opposition, you can criticize the president, but you have no right to insult him as head of state, for this means insulting the people, the whole country.

The second option is unacceptable for the same reasons. Responding to your enemy’s information attack by launching another one will do you little good, if at all. You shouldn’t lower yourself. You should respond, of course, but in different circumstances and in conjunction with another occurrence, but so that your adversary will realize that you remember everything and have forgiven nothing. Provincial vendetta isn’t the point. Point is that next year they will think twice before acting that way. After all, we can’t lower ourselves to insulting the Russian people, even if Moscow does so in regard to our people. Whom they elect to be president and prime minister is a matter of their internal affairs, so any attempt on our part to interfere would liken us to their rulers. Why should we? We have so many problems of our own to cope with.

Under the circumstances, the third, diplomatic, option appears the most feasible one. Moscow should be led to understand that such acts are absolutely inadmissible. Another reason for adopting this course is that President Medvedev will shortly send another meaningful message to Ukraine, so taking diplomatic steps would forestall his move. Ukraine must take a firm stand in the matter, to make the Kremlin ponder its next move — and perhaps regret having made the previous one.

Kyiv keeps silent, being either afraid of the Big Brother or because of our usual red tape. High time to make a worthy reply.