"I do not like Ukraine," said a German businessman The Day reporter in Germany decided to find out why 

It looks sort of strange: there are very few foreigners in Kyiv of late, despite the fact that more embassies have opened recently and there is still some business going on. However, one can hear English, German, or French very rarely on the street. "I am very disappointed with my stay in your country," a German who visited Kyiv told me. "Ukraine is not a European country. The officials take bigger bribes than those in Africa. And, in general..." Only a while later did I come to understand what this "in general" means.

It all starts with the Ukrainian embassy in Germany. "The cheapest German visa for Ukrainian citizens costs 40 Marks. Can you tell me the reason why a Ukrainian visa for German citizens costs 50 Marks? Do your clerks process the papers more thoroughly, or are their salaries higher than German ones? Or is it because we have better living standards? In this case, let us then compare the businessmen-your businessmen are not really that poor. A one-year multiple entry visa for Ukraine costs a German citizen 450 marks, whereas Germans charge only 100 marks for a two-year German visa. But the problem is not the amount of money-why do Ukrainians treat us like a milk cow, or, simply put, like idiots?"

I do believe that the nightmare of getting a Ukrainian visa can be surpassed only by the same nightmare of getting a visa for any other CIS country. Virtually all embassies of European countries in Germany issue visas to foreign citizens-Ukrainians, Russians, Bulgarians, and others - by mail. You fill out a visa application form, put it in an envelope together with your passport, photos, and a receipt of visa payment and send it all to the embassy. In a few days, your passport with a visa in it is mailed back to you. This is convenient since, after all, not everyone lives in Bonn, where most of the embassies are located.

The Ukrainian embassy requires all visa applicants to report to the embassy in person. This means that all Western Germans have to go to the Ukrainian embassy in Bonn, while all Eastern Germans have to travel to the consulate in Berlin to get a visa. A round-trip ticket from Dresden to Berlin costs 150 Marks, and it stands to reason that you waste a day making the trip. In the embassy, you will be given a visa bill to be paid in cash, and you will have to run around looking for a bank to make the payment. It is your problem if you do not have the necessary amount of cash in your pocket and you forgot your credit card at home.  Things like "I will transfer the money tomorrow" do not work, because the embassy does not trust anyone. It takes a week to process your visa, so you either stay somewhere nearby all week, or go back home only to take the same trip a week later and pay another 150 marks for it. To reiterate, I got my British visa by mail, and I spent only 10 marks for a special mail delivery.

And what about our businessman? Of course, nobody at the embassy told him that once he gets to Kyiv, he has to register himself at the militia's visa and registration department. No European would ever think of first looking for a militia office as soon as he gets off the plane-in Germany and other European countries, there is no registration of foreigners coming for short-term visits. Naive and unregistered (without a registration stamp in his passport), he tries to cross the Ukrainian border to go back home. I think the Ukrainian reader does not need an explanation that at the border such foreigners are simply "undressed" by the officials and are treated like criminals.

Next time, instead of buying flowers for his hospitable hosts, he rushed to look for the registration department. Having found it, he finally realized what he got himself into. For registration, he needed to submit the following: 1) proof of Ukrainian medical insurance with the state-run Ukrinmedstrakh company; 2) two photos; 3) a letter from the hotel certifying his stay there; 4) proof of payment for the department's services; 5) proof of payment of government fees; and, most importantly, 6) proof of the inviting company's registration with the visa department for the right to invite foreigners to Ukraine in general, i.e., another registration prior to this one, for which there is a separate list of required papers.  And when he was foolish enough to ask, "Why do you need two photos?" he got a typical Ukrainian answer, "And why did you come here at all?" Stunned, he told me that he would never expect a German policeman to give such an answer even to a Ukrainian prostitute detained on the street or to a Ukrainian shoplifter who has been living in Germany illegally for years without a passport. And he thinks he is an honest, decent person. Hm, he thinks...

Needless to say, it was next to impossible to collect all the required documents within three days following our businessman's arrival. Believe it or not, the state has invented a simple "arithmetic" for such fools-a fine of Hr 85. It serves him right!

So who is holding on to this Stalinist-Brezhnevist registration, and for what particular reason? Every German has medical insurance, and those who travel abroad sign additional contracts with reputable German companies on medical insurance in foreign countries. I personally have health insurance in all European countries in an amount that would be sufficient even for heart surgery. Why does an insured businessman have to pay a Ukrainian insurance company almost Hr 1 for each day of his stay in the country? Put simply, either those who have come up with these requirements are hopelessly stupid, or someone is making quite a bit of money on it.

Who needs two photos? One for themselves, and the other one for the SBU? And what will come next-perhaps, fingerprints? Why can Germany, while also caring for its state interests, survive without any registration of a much larger flow of foreigners, and Ukraine cannot? Or are we preparing ourselves for a war? Who needs to know where a foreigner is staying-the inviting party will somehow take care of him. Why can a Ukrainian with a Schengen visa travel across Europe, and a German with a Ukrainian visa should not even try to go beyond the Kyiv city limits? Already in Berlin or Bonn, while filling out his application form, he has to list all the Oblasts he is planning to travel to, and this is why any Ukrainian visa reads black in white:  Kyiv, Zhytomyr, Vinnytsia, Ternopil, etc., and God forbid if the police check his passport, say, in Poltava! Can you imagine how many sanctions will be imposed (or how much and how many people he will have to pay)? Rumor has it that visas can be purchased at the border, and many people take their chances. I know a story of a Bulgarian journalist going on a business trip to Kyiv and being held at the border for over 24 hours only because she did not have a Ukrainian invitation, and permission for entry could be granted only by a general.

Once The Day representative office in Germany had a German visitor named Muller, who decided to fall in love with a young Ukrainian woman from Korosten. Mr. Muller got a Ukrainian visa, bought flowers, boarded the plane in Amsterdam (being a German citizen, he lives and works in Amsterdam), and arrived at Boryspil airport. In Boryspil, he was denied entry into the country, and, without any further explanation, was declared a persona non-grata and deported from Ukraine by plane. Where do you think they sent him? Of course, to Frankfurt, even though he wanted to go back to Amsterdam. "So what?" the immigration officials in Boryspil told me when I asked them about this case. "He is a German citizen, so he had go back to Frankfurt.  Isn't it logical?"

"And why was he deported? He had never visited the USSR or Ukraine before, and he does not think he is guilty of anything." "He is," the officials said. "Our decision was correct."  If he happens to be a well-known terrorist, then arrest him and put him in jail. If his name shows up in some police computer, then look it up beforehand and do not issue him a visa. Or is he really a relative of the infamous Third Reich Muller?
I failed in all my attempts to find out the real reason from the colonels-they declined to give comments to the press. But the issue today is not so much that. The real problem is that a foreign citizen, while entering and leaving Ukraine, is not at all sure if he will be let in and out. Only God knows how much he will have to pay officially and how many bribes he will have to give between the days of his arrival and departure.

A well-informed source told me that the adventures of foreigners I described above do not paint a full picture of the current situation. Citizens of some Asian and African countries, prior to their registration at the visa department, are required to obtain permission for registration from high-ranking militia officials, who, apparently, do not fully trust their subordinate officers to make such decisions. But if those officers are so inept, then why were they hired to work in visa departments in the first place? Besides, I was told that senior militia personnel issue to their subordinates a particularly great number of oral instructions regarding the registration of foreigners. Failure to comply with these instructions is penalized much more severely than failure to perform a written order (which, of course, the author and The Day does not believe because something like that would be unthinkable in a country based on the rule of law).

So is Ukraine a European country after all? Does it really aspire to membership in the European Union and NATO? Or do all our attempts to be considered Europeans boil down only to our desire to abolish capital punishment for murderers? This is definitely not enough to join the rest of Europe. Moreover, I can break the disappointing news to you: the results of the latest public opinion polls in Germany show that most Germans favor the introduction of capital punishment in the country. And if it happens (and in that case, Germany will not look to anyone in this issue, just like the United States never does), what will Ukraine offer as proof of its civilized nature-a requirement for people coming to Kyiv from its Brovary suburb to show two photos (full face and profile) along with a registration number worn on their chests, just in case?

And what about our businessman, with whom we started this discussion?

"I realized that we are not liked and not welcome in Ukraine," the German businessman told me. "And I reciprocate with the same feeling."

Isn't it logical?